1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
