I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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