I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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