Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
