my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
