First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
