At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
