why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
