Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
