I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
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i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
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Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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