dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
