both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
