6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
