her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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