There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
