I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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