Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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