piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
from now on my penis is your penis
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
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