highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
