Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
