We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
