I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.