why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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