Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
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me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.