and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.