When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
