You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
