im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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