you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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