Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
