I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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