It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
