I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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