this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
