I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he thought i was a dude.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
