his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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