i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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