whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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