Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
