I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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