Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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