I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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