I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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