On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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