if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
