he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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