your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
