she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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