If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
