sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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