after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
