You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
