I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
