I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
