You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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