Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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