What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
