i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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