dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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