she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
