I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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