the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
