Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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